Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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