My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
