well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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