nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
