I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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