You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
