Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
