I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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