Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
