my phone needs a breathalizer
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
