I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
