captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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