I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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