Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish I only lived at night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
