just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
