Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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