paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
