she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
