Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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