I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
