I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
