I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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