Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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