dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
