pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
