wakey wakey hands off snakey
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize