Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
