I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize