dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
