So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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