Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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