You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
