I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
