so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
