Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
