yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
