Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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