Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
