It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
