i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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