So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
