Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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