The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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