gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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