Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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