about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
