The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
