Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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