Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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