if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
