don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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