Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
