ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
