my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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