How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Randomize
