Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
