I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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