I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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