I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
