If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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