Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have already put on my inside pants.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
