Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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