If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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